Boilerplate Apologies for Canadian Politicians When Caught Doing or Saying Something Stupid.

By Dr David Laing Dawson

In our world there are people (I’m not saying which people) who do bad things like treat women badly. This is a bad thing. I’m against treating women badly. It’s not nice. They should stop. And there are even some extreme religions that treat women badly. Well, it’s not the religion itself. Faith is a good thing. It is some people’s interpretation of religion that can be bad. Which can happen anywhere. Even Alberta.

And I’m not making any comparisons. I mean like Adolf Hitler and Joseph Goebbels are simply incomparable. Like Sidney Crosby, but in a bad way. Oh, you know what I mean.

Yes, well, when I compared the holocaust to abortion I was simply comparing numbers. You know, like in there are 253 people on death row in Texas, which is 43 more than the first year class of the University of Toronto Law School. And, you know, some less mature person might make a joke about that but it is bound to offend the relatives of the death row inmates. So I will not do that.

I don’t tell jokes. When I was a kid I told jokes. But I matured. Everything is serious now. That’s no joke. The only joke is Mr. Harper wanting to be Prime Minister again. Ha Ha. LOL. Wait a minute, let me  check with Mr. Mulcair if he thinks that’s  in bad taste before you write it down.

I know a lot of stuff but I’m not saying what I know or don’t know because someone will get upset about what I don’t know and someone else will dispute what I know. Just believe me when I say I know a lot of stuff. And if there is something I don’t know that I should know it’s because I missed that class while looking after my sick grandmother and learning family values.

I don’t recall ever saying anything in the past, actually. I was a very quiet person. A Commodore 64 kind of person. But if I did say anything or write anything I am sure I intended no malice. I’m not a malice kind of person. Like I mean this sincerely, without malice, and it’s not like I wrote software to cheat on emission tests or something. I mean whether I’m standing still and being tested by the EPA or driving to San Francisco I only emit hot air.

Oh, sorry, I misspoke. It happens to everyone.

Yes, our armed forces are wonderful courageous people, but they shouldn’t have to go around the world killing people. Killing people is probably wrong. It should be avoided wherever possible. But if our armed forces have to go and kill people (and I’m not saying I am for that) then they should be armed to the teeth with the best instruments of death available. Assembled in Canada of course. And for their protection, not for killing other people.

Veterans? Let’s face it if you have armed forces you’re going to have veterans. I’m all for veterans. Especially their mental health. I love veterans.

No, I don’t often pee in coffee cups. But that was a special case. I was being paid by the hour and I wanted to keep working and save my customer money. I’m all for keeping costs down. I’m a fiscal conservative. Besides, I saved about two gallons of fresh water doing it that way. Good for the environment. You notice I didn’t even waste any water washing the cup?

That video, me, in a hoodie? I don’t know who that was, really, but you have to admit making the customer relations guys at the 407 look good was a minor miracle. They offered to pay me for that video to use as a commercial but I turned them down because though I am sure it would have been entirely ethical, moral and legal to accept their offer, it might be construed as a technical conflict of interest by a politically motivated auditor. The rules about that are really vague. I mean like what’s a legitimate expense and what isn’t? And it’s not like if I get into a big doodoo Nigel Wright is going to come along and cut me a check for ninety thousand. What a guy, eh? I mean what a guy!

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