By David Laing Dawson
CEO’s of modern hospitals and corporations spend an inordinate amount of money on speechwriters, and then another large amount on speeches to undo, deny, or modify things said in previous speeches (or tweets or internal emails).
So I thought I would offer them a short speech, free of charge, that can be used in all and any foreseeable circumstances. They need merely individualize the speech by choosing what to insert within the brackets.
“We are wonderful.
Our (hospital, company) strives to provide our (patients, customers) the best possible state of the art (care, equipment) on this planet and in the universe as a whole. Our (patients, customers) always come first. We have won (international, national, local Chamber of Commerce) awards for our (care, products). Safety and the welfare of all living things on this planet also come first.
Politicians may add here that they have spent more on improving (security, healthcare, product safety, education, the lives of the middle class) than the preceding three governments combined.
We welcome any external investigation into our practices and products. We have conducted our own internal investigation and have learned that we are wonderful.
If by remote chance and the unforeseeable events of uncontrollable forces in the universe it is found that one of our services or products is in any way not perfect, we will immediately rectify this.
If any inappropriate gifts have been exchanged between our employees and politicians, government officials or customers, I assure you that I, and my management team, have been completely unaware of this happening. If an employee of our (hospital, company) is found to have behaved in any way less than professional he or she will be dealt with harshly and swiftly.
And though in no way admitting any responsibility for said alleged activity, I apologize for myself, my board of directors, and my management team.
We are wonderful.
God Bless (country or city of choice).”