Boiler Plate Speech for CEO’s

By David Laing Dawson

CEO’s of modern hospitals and corporations spend an inordinate amount of money on speechwriters, and then another large amount on speeches to undo, deny, or modify things said in previous speeches (or tweets or internal emails).

So I thought I would offer them a short speech, free of charge, that can be used in all and any foreseeable circumstances. They need merely individualize the speech by choosing what to insert within the brackets.

We are wonderful.

Our (hospital, company) strives to provide our (patients, customers) the best possible state of the art (care, equipment) on this planet and in the universe as a whole. Our (patients, customers) always come first. We have won (international, national, local Chamber of Commerce) awards for our (care, products). Safety and the welfare of all living things on this planet also come first.

Politicians may add here that they have spent more on improving (security, healthcare, product safety, education, the lives of the middle class) than the preceding three governments combined.

We welcome any external investigation into our practices and products. We have conducted our own internal investigation and have learned that we are wonderful.

If by remote chance and the unforeseeable events of uncontrollable forces in the universe it is found that one of our services or products is in any way not perfect, we will immediately rectify this.

If any inappropriate gifts have been exchanged between our employees and politicians, government officials or customers, I assure you that I, and my management team, have been completely unaware of this happening. If an employee of our (hospital, company) is found to have behaved in any way less than professional he or she will be dealt with harshly and swiftly.

And though in no way admitting any responsibility for said alleged activity, I apologize for myself, my board of directors, and my management team.

We are wonderful.

God Bless (country or city of choice).”

3 thoughts on “Boiler Plate Speech for CEO’s

  1. Thank you Dr. Dawson for using satire to bring our attention to what appears to be an utter lack of accountability in our health care service.

    If you do get good service, it is because that particular nurse, social worker, or physician is a skilled and empathetic professional. And there are many excellent professionals who get burned out working in those toxic environments where so much hypocrisy exists.

    Too often, in this present climate, if you do not get good service and dare to complain, then you may experience the “Circling of the Wagons” routine where the complaining person is viewed as the problem by the upper ups.

    Too often, there appears such a disconnect between publicly compensated health service organizations and the ill person requiring service and the family who supports him/her.

    CEO’s should have limited times as heads of public organizations. Even the President of the U.S. only is allowed two terms of office. When a CEO is bad, the only thing good staff can do is leave and clients/patients suffer. Boards need to be more accountable to the public and fire bad CEO’s.

    Accountability is also difficult to achieve when some health care professionals shield themselves behind their interpretation of privacy legislation. Sometimes I feel that the patient’s privacy is more important than his/her physical safety.

    Even when consent is freely given, communication can be impaired and the health care professional makes decisions based on insufficient input.

    This in my opinion is a health hazard.
    Proper treatment happens when all the facts are considered.

    My local hospital received an Accreditation with Distinction Award and boasts that staff have ownership over the quality of service.

    Apparently, no input from the patient is required!

    If these self congratulatory practices were not so dangerous to the health of the patient and the public at large, they would be hilarious.


  2. Alas, branding /the business model and all that goes with it has taken over. But there are people in the system who do their best to deliver what is needed. Dr. Dawson has certainly told it how it is and who is pulling the strings.


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